Turning Towards and Standing Still
In 1986, I left my mother's house without saying goodbye. She was moving away, and I couldn’t be with the grief of losing her.
In 2009, sitting in a nursing home conference room with her care team and my sister on speaker phone, the conversation turned to what would happen when she died. I suddenly and abruptly ran out of the room when the emotions started to flood my body. It wasn’t intended, it just happened and I was as shocked as everyone else.
A few weeks later, alone in her room as the end neared, I found myself wondering if I could still make it to a concert in Vancouver that weekend. I was desperate for any escape from the grief. And while I did stay and have the honour of ushering her out of this world, I could not stay in the room as two of my sister’s washed and dressed her.
I never thought of these moments as a pattern per se, it was just “life events”. I never considered the toll this was having on my life either.
In 2024, I ran away again when I abruptly ended my engagement and relationship.
I had real questions and concerns, but I didn’t have the confidence to stay and ask the hard questions. I was afraid of the answers I might get. Instead, the overwhelming confusion and emotion flooded my system once again, and the only thing I knew how to do was leave.
This time though I walked the Camino, I did my parts work and dove into nervous system regulation with the hopes of making sense of me. Finally the pieces of this pattern began to reveal themselves with more clarity and understanding.
But it wasn’t until I returned to my part-time work at a surgical office in 2025, that I really began to understand the pattern. There’s a procedure room where small lumps and bumps surgeries are performed. A few years ago, I had tried to be in that room, but I would feel faint and overwhelmed with the sight of blood and peoples emotions so I quietly avoided it. This time, something different stirred inside me. A curious part, a confident part, and a courageous part wanted to try again so I asked to be trained.
At first, it felt exciting. But soon, I found myself hesitating again. Avoiding. Making excuses and I couldn’t figure out why. I thought it was fear of making mistakes in front of others, my fear of failing.
But the more I listened, the more I realized it was deeper than that.
It wasn’t necessarily about competence.
It was about the emotions in my body that felt overwhelming and unmanageable once again.
When those feelings rose up, that protective part stepped in to help me unconsciously avoided the hard things. So I made adjustments, I asked for help, I chose the ones that were simpler, I did nervous system regulation and comforted my parts. I let myself go at my pace, but also push myself to not avoid it altogether and it’s working, the pattern is changing.
As this understanding has deepened though, it's brought waves of grief.
Grief for all the times I left myself and all the times I left others.
Grief for the life I might have lived differently, had I known what was happening inside me, or had someone to help me stay. I let those tears fall and I share them with others because that’s part of the work too.
And while I do this for my own healing, I also do it to be an example of what is possible for anyone who has a pattern like this. That you know it’s not your fault and that when you're overwhelmed and you shut down, it’s not weakness. It's protection.
Through parts work, nervous system regulation, you can also learn to stay in the rooms. You can learn to be with yourself in those overwhelming moments, to settle those parts and begin leading the life you truly want to be living.
I’m not all the way there yet. But for the first time, I see real possibility for me, and for the parts that once had no other choice but to run.
Thanks for reading and be kind to yourself.